5 films that helped me make a music video

And welcome the sight of my own face on the screen

In order to catch the ball, you have to want to catch the ball. — John Cassavetes

As I get ready to release my next full-length album in March, I have to do something I’ve been dreading for 2 years:

I have to make a music video. That I star in.

“If I Was,” the first single off my next full-length album that’ll be released on January 18 — presave the whole album here — is an anti-capitalist lament that I wrote from a place of deep grief and defiance about my relationship with my father. For the music video, I’ll be working with filmmaker-performer-dancer Jordan Moser, who’s worked with everybody from ballet dancers and drag queens to Molly Burch and Pussy Riot. I trust Jordan completely, and devising a concept over the last couple months has been incredible.

There’s just one problem: I don’t really know how to be an actor.

Oh, I can be an idiot on camera, that’s not a problem. My good bud Jude Brothers once asked me to play an unhinged Bruce Springsteen for their music video and I had no problem filling the brief. But the music video I’m about to make is as far from “funny little guy” territory as they come, and it’s going to be trans as hell. My body? Will be very present and viewable. My mustache? Will be painted. My heart? Will be worn on my sleeve. It’s been TERRIFYING to think about being so deeply perceived in such a vulnerable state. Even more terrifying: everyone will be able to see it, at any time. My estranged family, every transphobe with an hour of downtime, and every hater I’ve amassed over the years — and there are quite a few — will be able to do whatever they want with it. And I have to do all of it, without really knowing anything about what I’m doing.

And so runs the ticker tape of self-doubt in my head: You’re not pretty enough to be in a music video. You’re not handsome enough. You’re not compelling enough to look at. You’re doing a bad job. You’re a terrible person. You’re going to hell. Ad nauseum.

I’m battling all the bullshit the only way I know how: by doing extensive research. I’ve been combing all the movies and music videos I love to find moments of acting that might make sense for me to draw from when we film on Dec 28. Then, I try to emulate what I perceive the actors to be doing in a tiny mirror propped up in front of me.

Do other people do this? Is it weird that I’m doing this? Is everyone else just more natural and able to do things with their faces? Did everybody else get a secret lesson in how to be natural on camera that I missed out on? I doubt it, but I’ll tell you what, silly as it is, it’s been a pretty fun exercise as I try to let myself be bad at something new.

Here’s what I’ve been watching and mimicking:

“A Man Escaped” (1956)

My girlfriend Asher showed me this one and I swear to god I didn’t breathe the whole time I first saw it. A Man Escaped is a gorgeous, taut poem of a film about a French resistance fighter who breaks out of the notorious Montluc prison, where 7,000 men were executed during the German occupation.

I’m trying to decide how I want to convey emotion in this music video, and something I love about A Man Escaped is how carefully still all the actors’ faces are, and how habitual their gestures appear. Robert Bresson’s process as a director is kind of famously mental: he asked his actors to perform their scenes hundreds of times so that they would drain all false emotion from their performances, their faces finally clear, their gestures an afterthought. When I think about where my lyrics come from, and the careful lines I’ve had to walk to keep myself safe, that kind of emotional containment really resonates with me.

“Animal” (Official Video)

Anjimile is, in my opinion, one of the most compelling musicians making work right now. Their music slingshots between longing confessionals and raging bangers that hurt so good. This song is an absolute standout on a 10-track record packed to the brim with gorgeous stuff, and the accompanying music video is one I’m pay a lot of attention to.

I really love that the darkness framing their face reaches back to Tracy Chapman, who used a similar framing device for “Fast Car.” Gazing directly into the camera, when paired with lines like “I heard blue lives matter / from a liberal,” also evokes Sinéad O’Connor’s “Nothing Compares 2 U,” and these 2 citations help place “Animal” for me in a lineage of queer artists known for their unflinching ability to name what’s happening. What really sticks with me is their bared teeth, their white eyes: Anjimile’s body here is both weapon and weaponized, angry and grieving, injured and powerful. This is fucking evocative work, and as I’ve sat with their performance over the last few weeks, I’ve been so grateful for it.

“Certain Women” (2016)

Tbh it’s impressive I waited for spot #3 to talk about one of my favorite movies. Enter Lily Gladstone (who you may recognize from this year’s Killers of the Flower Moon), one of the main characters in Kelly Reichardt’s triptych-film, Certain Women. Lily Gladstone plays an Indigenous ranch hand who takes a class at a community college from Kristen Stewart and woos her with a ride to a diner on horseback after class. Absolutely iconic behavior.

I’ve been returning to Certain Women as I prepare to make the video for “If I Was” because Lily Gladstone in this movie portrays the kind of butch tenderness I’m hoping I can approach. In this scene, where she realizes Kristen Stewart is an idiot who has no sense of romance (my take, lol sorry), so much emotion is withheld here, allowing what does slip out to hurt in all the right, aching ways. Queer longing in the West is nothing but open plains of unsaid lines, and I’m learning a lot from trying to withhold and reveal the way Lily Gladstone does here.

“Rebel Without A Cause” (1955)

NOT TO BE THAT TRANS GUY who’s like “James Dean” but… James Dean!! James Dean only acted for 5 years and changed the course of leading men forever! James Dean was a known bisexual! James Dean walked so Adam Driver could run! James Dean walked so we ALL could run!

His performance in Rebel Without A Cause is one of my favorite performances ever. He’s both tender and tough as nails. I’ve been rewatching my favorite scene, which is when Jim, Judy, and Plato — a complicated friend/love triangle for the ages — break into an abandoned mansion and pretend to be father, mother, and child. It makes me cry every time. Something about the way he stops tilting his chin and lets his guard down as his hand rests on Plato’s head, creating this circle of safety within a chosen family that holds the world’s inevitable cruelty at arm’s length for just a moment, however briefly. I keep trying that chin tilt.

“Funeral” (Official Video)

I’m a lucky guy: because I live near Lockhart, TX, I get to see Tele Novella perform in all kinds of places. Once I got to their backyard set so early that it was just them doing sound check and me, perched on the broken edge of a concrete step, reading a book about worms until they started. Once I saw them each put on fabric crowns and felt capes and lead a parade through a bar so packed and lively I felt like I was dreaming about a Bosch painting. I’ve been a fan for a while, and their newest album, Poet’s Tooth, is an Americana-Medieval revelation.

I’m also a big fan of Vanessa Pla’s, whose gorgeous film work dapples the Austin music scene, and “Funeral,” a killer track I can’t stop humming, is one of my favorite music videos of the year. Amidst a lush and constructed landscape that burns with that canonical, unnatural spaghetti Western red, Natalie Ribbons serves us long, unbroken gazes accentuated by beautiful gestures with a toy gun that reel me in every time. What is it about refusing to blink that makes it all hurt so much? What is it about toys that hits so hard? Unflinching, wistful, and wry, her performance in this music video is one for the rest of us to study.

some patches, some works

1. Help Palestine keep consistent access to internet and networks with eSims. As we go on 2+ months of nonstop Israeli bombardment, helping Palestinians continue to have access to the internet is a lifesaving and concrete action you can take today. This Instagram post goes more in-depth into how to do that.

2. East Coast, keep your eyes peeled… 👀 I may or may not be making some tour announcements soon! If you live on the east coast and know a spot you think I should play at, let me know in the comments!

3. I love Alienated Majesty Books so much, y’all. If you’re scrambling around finishing your holiday shopping or just buying yourself a treat, your local bookstores are great places to do that. If you’re in Austin, give Alienated Majesty a visit! You might see a familiar pepto bismol pink book on the front table…

Be well, write soon, love always, we’re almost through this year, hold on —

xoxo, C